TLDR: Fucked.

I think it is safe to say that the entire world right now is up shit creek without a paddle. So while I sit here with my second Moscow Mule for the evening, here are the brief things I’ve noticed during the last 7-8 weeks that Berlin has been in ‘lockdown”

1. Expat groups
   The previous saviour and safe place to not feel as alone in a new city are troll central. Before they were fluttered with messages and requests of people wanting to catch up, where the newest bar was and what vibrator works best (that might just be the ladies groups); they were a safe haven of sorts, filled with people on similar journeys wanting to connect and make everything feel a little more homey (whatever that means). Now they are filled with millions of messages that are easily answerable by a quick google but why use google when you can ask a hundred other expats because we so smart we must know everything. Nobody knows when borders will be reopen, nobody knows when we will be able to travel for fun and nobody knows if or when there will be vaccine. Daily posts of “‘I want to go across to border to X so I can buy a new top because it’s cheaper” and now met with sarcastic troll comments mirroring the days of a Nigerian Prince wanting to marry us.
2. Your family and friends will call. A lot.
   This one is a big one. And I get it. I do. But every time they hear about another death in Berlin, there is a message or call “just checking it wasn’t you or Husband” It still baffles me that after almost 4 years, people are still unable to work out the time difference, so a phone call at 3am would normally cause panic and an immediate thought that someone had died, but is now met with rolled eyes at yet another question “just checking that you are alright”. I get it, we shit at updating people on what we do. We keep socials mostly to stalk other people but rest assured if shit was hitting the fan you would all know, especially when I decided to leave Husband and find out I can’t afford my day drinking lifestyle without his money.
3. Your day is now spend constantly reading world wide updates.
   For those with family all in one country, or even one region of one country, you won’t have this or even come close to how much time you spend reading and therefore becoming the people you hate in number 2. Reading about Europe, then Germany in general, Australia, United Kingdom, New Zealand, Hong Kong and Japan to keep tabs on everyone in the family, is rather exhausting. Keeping tabs on our rules and regulations in Berlin was one thing, but trying to keep up what is is like for everyone else is up to. Well, let’s be thankful Berlin has an alcohol delivery service.
4. Isolation is a kick in the dick
   I don’t have testicles but from how much Husband complains when I knee him in my sleep, I assume it hurts. Overwhelming painful I’ve been told. This is how I would describe isolation. I’m not saying it’s not hard if you are not an expat, but having that separation from our main support system adds to it. It hits in waves of just absolute shit and you lash out. Getting mad, frustrated, angry, upset. Trying to work out what is the point of getting up today and working out which wall we should stare at. All of it. Eventually, you’ll come to hit the last stage of grief, acceptance. You’ll realise there is nothing you can do and accept that this is your new normal. You’ll mature as they say. Or you’ll be at the end of the above mentioned alcohol and don’t give a shit about anything anymore. Either or.
5. Boredom is real.
   I’m all for hanging out in my slippers and staying in watching Netflix, eating popcorn and drinking wine. I like it, as a break from the outside world full of crazy people that just want to touch you. After 7 weeks of “lockdown” I’ve realised I like being that person that drinks in a bar and touches my face and sits in a restaurant and hangs out in a large group. Things that would normally do back “home” to keep yourself entertained are no longer here, despite the fact that most of life’s pleasures you can find in multiple locations. It changes when you are not seen as a “local” and feel almost an obligation to be spending more time inside as the Germans follow all their rules and it is us “expats” that are flouting the rules. Having to find an alternative to this was fun to start with as I baked everything in our apartment and then it quickly went downhill when you realise you are not creative and have the same brain as a small child that needs things to do constantly.
6. You realise what you want.
   This is not expat related per so, but it’s on the list. We had big plans for 2020. We’ve spent the last 3.5 years setting up in Germany, finding our way and ending up in careers that we are both happy with. We had planned to take this year as a selfish year, to do all the travelling that is out at doorstep. We’d researched and planned trips across Europe (which from the two Aussies who thought it was cool to climb Mt Fuji in thongs is a BIG thing) and we’re finally going to make a dent in the bucket list. That has now, sadly, been pushed back. But it did make us realise that for us, that is important. Doing and seeing the parts of the world that we want. No longer wanting to save an abundance of leave to trek almost 30 hours for what is no doubt a fun trip, but is never the soul opening, new challenging experience we’ve realised we want. That we need.2020 so far has been, well. Fucked.

   I’m hoping beyond anything reasonable that I’ll be hearing the words “may I please see your passport and boarding pass” again this year. Even if it is just across the pond for dumplings and pies.